It’s been two weeks since I spoke to my Daddy. The good news is that I don’t have to say it’s been that long since I heard his voice because I found some old voicemails saved on my phone. I have one where he says “I love you” at the end… I’ve probably played it a hundred times since I found it.

The bad news is that two weeks is about the longest we’ve gone without speaking so I am fast approaching a new milestone…. and every week thereafter will be a new milestone: The longest I’ve ever gone without talking to my Dad.

I know I can’t obsess over those things. I know it’s not healthy. But the thoughts are there and they sneak up and the next thing I know I’m sobbing uncontrollably.

So if you’re wondering how I’m doing, this is it. I guess I’m doing as well as can be expected? Tomorrow I go back to work. I wonder how that will go.

Anyway – here’s what’s happened since my vLog on Daddy.

1. 1. Mia got much, much worse but she is slowly starting to improve. She got so bad that we told her about Daddy while she was on a break from her sedation. I think she heard us. I think she was looking at me. I think I saw tears coming out of her eyes. But otherwise, she is completely unresponsive. She doesn’t blink on command or squeeze a hand. She stares into space and sometimes furrows her brow. That’s it so far. We don’t know why. Maybe she was deprived of oxygen too long because of her lungs? Maybe she had a stroke we don’t know about? Maybe she got so sick that she’s no longer “there”…? We just don’t know and we won’t know until she can come off of the ventilator which is still many weeks away.

1. 1. I took care of my Daddy. When we realized Mia was not only *not* coming out of it anytime soon, but *couldn’t* come out of it, I went ahead and took care of my Daddy. I had him cremated in the suit he wore to my wedding, with the blue shirt and tie I made him buy. Vince found the receipt for that suit later and we cannot believe how much he spent… God he loved me… he did look good in it though. In the suit pocket we found a blank wedding adlib card. I guess he took it home to fill out and didn’t get around to it. I had that cremated with him as well.

1. 1. We got an attorney. In one of our parent’s safes we found a card for their lawyer in the state of Maine, where they lived for 5 years. That guy, nice though he was, refused to tell me any details of my Dad’s will. So we got a probate attorney in Brevard County and I am officially petitioning to become substitute personal representative of my Dad’s estate in Mia’s place, since she is unable to perform those duties. This means I will be in control of Daddy’s assets and how they are dispersed. My stepsister, Cari, now has Power of Attorney over Mia’s finances, so she will be in control of her mother’s assets and how they are dispersed. Essentially, we are stepping into the role of our parents to keep the bills paid and, most importantly, pull together as much money as possible since we have a feeling Mia’s health is going to require expensive, longterm care.

1. 1. I got sick and had some next-level-shit panic attacks. Last Sunday, while watching the Oscars, I had a full on break down the likes of which I have never had. (Okay not true. It was exactly like the one I had while my Daddy died over the phone the previous Sunday). The next morning I woke up sick and was petrified that I had the flu. After all, I’ve been traipsing in and out of the hospital where Mia picked it up. So I went to the doctor and it turns out my body was just so exhausted that I got a cold, had elevated blood pressure and heartrate, and was just run the fuck down. I got a prescription to Kolonopin and besides from snapping at a few people a few times and crying a lot, I haven’t lost my shit completely.

1. 1. I picked Daddy up. He was ready yesterday, Saturday. Cari and I went to the funeral home to pay for him and I didn’t expect him to be ready but he was. I wasn’t ready to get him… to have signed off on cremating my Dad is one thing but to pick up a small box that’s all that remains of the big man I danced with at my wedding less than a year ago? Noooooo way. So Cari and I went back to our parent’s house and got Vince and Corey, and then we went and picked up Daddy. He’s not as small of a box as I thought he would be. He’s a good 5lbs, if not more. And he’s at home until his place at the Florida Veterans Cemetery is ready.

I would say “that’s it” but there’s been sooooo much… and I remember so very little of it all. All I know is that we have been incredibly productive the last two weeks. I hope I’m making my Daddy proud. I miss him every damn second. I know if I could just call him he would know exactly what I should do with all this shit.

But my siblings and I are coming together. Cari and Corey and I have all but dropped the “step” from our explanations to people. At this point, after going through something like this, we are brother and sister.

So I’ll close this as I close nearly every thought lately…. “I love my Daddy.”