An odd side-effect of the life changes of the last six months: I am now more comfortable answering to “Alicia” than I am to “Ali.”
It all started in November when I first began to introducing myself in a new work environment. After spending the last 15 years introducing myself as “Ali,” I decided to go by “Alicia” at D****n.
This wasn’t just a fluke or a desire to sound more grown-up or something. I work in a highly technical industry which utilizes a LOT of off-shore resources. I can’t tell you how many times I signed an email or support ticket as “Ali” and someone from India called back asking for a dude.
After awhile that ish got freakin’ OLD.
I vowed that the next job I started, I would curb myself from saying “just call me Ali!” I swore that this time, I would start going by Alicia and stick to it.
So, I did.
Then everything happened in February and I pretty much quit hanging out with friends and spent 100% of my time around co-workers, family, physicians, or funeral homes.
And all of those people – they don’t call me “Ali.” In fact, my Dad only ever called me “Alicia, or occasionally “Leesha” or “Leash.”
Now, three months after losing Daddy, I’m introducing myself as “Alicia” to pretty much everyone.
I mentioned this to a coworker the other day and she asked if “Alicia” was my “Sasha Fierce.” I was like “yeah NO.” This is not my alter-ego. It definitely isn’t a more wild-side of my personality. And I damn sure won’t be asking all my friends who know me as Ali to start calling me Alicia. Lame!
Without Daddy there is no remnant of my childhood left and in many ways I feel like everything before February 23rd was a very immature, silly sort of existence. I’d experienced loss before, but I was still somebody’s little girl. I don’t know how else to describe it beyond saying that little girl – Ali – died when her Daddy did.
I just don’t know who I am without him. I’m trying really hard to figure it out. I don’t know if every relationship I had before will survive the process. And right now…. it makes sense for Alicia to make a come back.
Well, as one of your oldest friends, I have always considered you as Alicia first and Ali ali oxen free (if I was feeling silly) second.
I have no fathom of what you need as support now — nor do I expect you to know. I’ll still, hopefully, be one of your oldest friends past this day, year, or however long it takes you to need before opening up to people again because…that’s just how we roll. I think this is the longest I’ve ever felt so completely disconnected from you and while that’s painful I am also hyper aware of the fact that you are living through one of my worst nightmares and I don’t want to in any way add to your distress. Do whatever you have to do to survive this despicable part of live. Your fiends love you unconditionally and just want to lighten your burden when they can. I always hesitate to respond on your blog because it is so personal and I don’t want to in a sense redirect your posts.
I had a ridiculously morbid zodiac (harking back to our younger years of constant astrological introspection) thought recently that this is somewhat your lot in life as the Aries. You typically experience everything first, the beginning of the wheel, all what life throws at us you must face first; even the loss of our beloved fathers at an entirely too young age. You’ll attack it with stoic strength as you have all of life’s challenges and be miraculously graceful at the same time.
I wish there was a guide book for us all to follow and know what to do because everything that comes to mind just can’t measure to the enormity of this paradigm shift that you’re facing. Any card, word, flower, just seems so insincere when I imagine your entire world broke. I’m…so…sorry…I’m so pissed that this could have happened…and distraught…and just love you and hope that brings small comfort.
And to end on hopefully a comical note, I often retreat to lick my wounds for weeks with the slightest of insults so if you have to hibernate for even five or more years, I certainly wouldn’t be the one to throw stones in my glass house.
🙂
Thank you, Kathy. 🙂
<3
Hey girl,
Thank you for commenting. Things are getting easier in a way. I catch myself having a normal day – ALL day – and then I kinda lose it a little at night when I’m in bed and trying to sleep. It’s like reality slips into my subconscious and a little voice is whispering ‘Daddy’s dead.’ And that suuuuuucks.
I started therapy and the first thing the lady said is that I’m still in denial. She also told me not to worry about friends, which was good to have support there. It’s just so weird because I’ve always been so social…
I’m going to have to check out that episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
Thank you again for commenting. It means so much to know I’m not writing into a black hole, and that I’m not alone in these feelings. *hugs*
Totally understand. Coincidentally, I’ve recently decided that I’m going to stop introducing myself as Kat but of course, don’t expect people who already know me as that to start calling me Kathy. Welcome back, Alicia. 😀
I totally get this! Just give it time.
When friends reach out to you, just make it known that you’re just not ready… because when the fog lifts, and it will… you want your friends to understand that you didn’t intentionally shut them out.
I was watching old Grey’s Anatomy last night and it was the episode George’s father passed away (not sure if you’re familiar with the show), but I thought it was such a great episode capturing that struggle.
I hope that each day overall is starting to get a little easier for you, and you’re finding that new normal.
Hugs!