Monthly Archives: June 2014

Therapy does NOT suck

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Some people might say therapy is too private to blog about. Some people might be right.

But for me, writing is how I process things and lately it’s how I remember them, too. So I figured I would write about the few therapy sessions I’ve had so far.

Before all of this started, back in September of last year, I started seeing a therapist in Altamonte Springs to deal with one of my life’s biggest loose ends: My mom. I spent a good three or four weeks researching therapists and settled on one near my house, we had like… maybe 8 sessions,… and then I started working on the other side of the planet and had to stop seeing her.  It didn’t really bother me that I stopped going because I felt like working through my mommy-issues was a ‘nice to have.’ So after a brief foray into therapy, I quit.

Then February 2014 happened.

After panic attacks and melt downs and living out of my car to go from Altamonte to Melbourne and Merritt Island to Orlando, I decided I needed professional help dealing with my new life.

And three months after starting this journey, I found Anna. And after two really awesome sessions, we’ve declared the following:

    • I’m not on this journey without Daddy. In some ways he’s actually a bigger part of my life now than he has ever been.
      Don’t get me wrong, my Dad was a HUGE part of my life before February 23rd, but not a huge part of my day-to-day living. We talked at least once a week, often times days in a row, but I had my own life and he had his.  Well, the last four months that has all changed. Daddy is on my mind always, and now I know his life better than my own.

      Anna has really helped me realize that while he may not physically be here with me to embark on this crazy journey of grief and sadness, he’s still a huge influence on my life – now more than ever.

    • “Everything happens for a reason.” While there will NEVER be a reason good enough for my Dad to have been so cheated out of life, there may be a reason I’m experiencing this loss, and going on this journey, at this time in MY life.
      This one has been really hard for me because so many things seemed to happen at JUST the right time, but I absolutely refuse to believe there is a reason for this that’s worth my Dad’s life. But so many things had such fortuitous timing: Joey living with us when we needed someone to watch the house and kitties for weeks on end… my new job being a mere 45 minutes from my Dad’s house… finally having a salary and vacation time that afforded me the breaks I needed to take care of family business…

      It’s like a symphony started playing their instruments one-by-one last October and a melody has emerged. Now I just have to listen to pick up the tune.

    • My emotions are raw, which means I don’t have much of a filter, and it’s okay to avoid friends right now.
      Before this happened I had the same filter everyone has and I was able to bury, hide, or otherwise ignore minor grievances. Now, I’m so emotionally taxed that I simply don’t have the wherewithal to push down any beef I may have with anyone – including people I loved most.

      In the meantime, it’s okay to avoid people or hide. It’s okay to start small. People who love me will be there when I’m ready to emerge. Some people will just be there the whole time. Which leads me to one of the biggest realizations I’ve had to date….

  • Loss recognizes loss. While no one will ever truly understand my specific journey through grief, those who have experienced a loss will understand the pain and the process.
    This one means that I’m not alone. I’m not alone. One more time: I am not alone. Sadly, anyone who has felt this pain or had a loss of this magnitude understands what I’m going through and they know.  After months of feeling isolated or understood by only my siblings, I now know: I’m not alone.

I’m not sure I’ll keep writing about therapy but I thought these lessons, or take-aways, were too good not to put down. They may seem like no-brainers to everyone else, but these were HUGE realizations for me. Each session is so exhausting, but when I walk away with a new perspective, it’s *so* totally worth it.

And now that I’ve gotten this out… maybe my next post will be about something fun. Like my sick bedside tables from Adjectives. 😉

“Alicia” Makes a Comeback

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An odd side-effect of the life changes of the last six months: I am now more comfortable answering to “Alicia” than I am to “Ali.”

It all started in November when I first began to introducing myself in a new work environment. After spending the last 15 years introducing myself as “Ali,” I decided to go by “Alicia” at D****n.

This wasn’t just a fluke or a desire to sound more grown-up or something. I work in a highly technical industry which utilizes a LOT of off-shore resources. I can’t tell you how many times I signed an email or support ticket as “Ali” and someone from India called back asking for a dude.

After awhile that ish got freakin’ OLD.

I vowed that the next job I started, I would curb myself from saying “just call me Ali!” I swore that this time, I would start going by Alicia and stick to it.

So, I did.

Then everything happened in February and I pretty much quit hanging out with friends and spent 100% of my time around co-workers, family, physicians, or funeral homes.

And all of those people – they don’t call me “Ali.” In fact, my Dad only ever called me “Alicia, or occasionally “Leesha” or “Leash.”

Now, three months after losing Daddy, I’m introducing myself as “Alicia” to pretty much everyone.

I mentioned this to a coworker the other day and she asked if “Alicia” was my “Sasha Fierce.” I was like “yeah NO.”  This is not my alter-ego. It definitely isn’t a more wild-side of my personality. And I damn sure won’t be asking  all my friends who know me as Ali to start calling me Alicia. Lame!

Without Daddy there is no remnant of my childhood left and in many ways I feel like everything before February 23rd was a very immature, silly sort of existence. I’d experienced loss before, but I was still somebody’s little girl. I don’t know how else to describe it beyond saying that little girl – Ali – died when her Daddy did.

I just don’t know who I am without him. I’m trying really hard to figure it out. I don’t know if every relationship I had before will survive the process. And right now…. it makes sense for Alicia to make a come back.